Looking back

Every time I look at this blog I feel
"Urgh" by the lack of grammar and whatsoever.
I remembered I used a special app to do that and the app doesn't capitalise the I hahaha.

Quite annoying.
It is now week 10 of Year 2 Sem 2.
I managed to kept my cool till week 9 until feelings all flooded back.
I think I always mix up suppressing my feelings with getting over it.
If I get over it too fast then I am suppressing them?

I guess so.

Year 2

Week 2 of Year 2.

The feeling is.....a mixture of boredom, tiredness and sadness.

I feel more acutely that most people in my life are destined to pass, and while I accept that it is a parcel of life, it feels sad when I look back.

One year and it seems that everything that can change has changed. The company that I keep, the life I live and the emphasis that I have.

Closing to one month before Year 2 starts. These two months have passed by in a blur, waking up for work every weekday, sleeping and struggling with sleep almost every other week, going out to meet people but never gotten around to clearing things at home, letting my mailbox pile up time and time again. Am I alive? I don't know. But if if I let time slow my mental torture will be 100 times worse, and my body will never be tired enough to slow my mind. So that's how I will remain coping with the rest of this summer.

I feel like my mind is pushing me, as I have been pushing my mind. When will this mental turmoil ever stop.

With so much NUS confessions on romance, I suddenly recalled the few moments which I felt touched, or fluttered by the opposite sex.

Feeling touched was so good, except for the fact that overall behaviour was damn bad.

oh wellz.

Looking back

I think one of the most things that I pride myself over is that I never look back and say "I wish I did something different".

Almost never.

There are always moments which I refuse to move on, my mind circles back to those moments, even in my dreams. My body screams of pain and fatigue to remind me of the kind of mental tiredness I have. My mind can't let go, and that took a toll on my body. 

I always wished that life is not a recurring tale. It is one thing to move on and another thing to face it again. But there are always moments which I face repeatedly the same pressures, the same challenges, the same mindsets. I am who I am and I can't change the way I think regardless of whatever that happens. 

I am not a pressure cooker, I can't handle so much things going on, to smile at others so that I can lie to myself that I can do this. 

Who says smiling means I am happy. 

I wished the world can shut up.

Shut up even when I am laughing,  because I am already upset and covering up by laughing to keep myself alive.

Shut up because you are not helping things

Shup because any further I might burst out in tears and auguish

Shut up because I am controlling myself as we speak

Shut up even though I might understand you but you never did understood me.

Just shut up.

深夜，
脑袋开始放空。
开始担心，
许多很无聊的事情，
无法入眠。

School

Tmr's back to structured lessons. I feel kind of awkward with that, felt ike a lengthly hols.

Put the results of mid terms behind me, and I feel that I shld have done better.

Trying not to dwell on the negative feelings too much because I know that I have done my best,  though the method this time wasn't what I used previously.

Leanne

Reading

I realised it has been awhile since I read something nice.
Something that will make me realise that the world is not what I think it is,
something that is able to convince me that the world is better than I think it it,
something that will tell me that my life is not alone.

Sometimes we may be surrounded by people, but feeling more alone.
We remain more connected via the internet, but we feel more isolated that ever.
When was the last time I made a long phone call using the phone?
Longer than ever.

When was the last time I actually sat down and made a meaningful conversation with someone I trust?
Longer than ever.

Who do I trust?
Who can I trust?
No one.

Sometimes in the moment of weakness, I always wait for that person who can realise my moments and console me, instead of finding someone like I always did. Or didn't.
I have greater weaknesses because of my strengths.

Leanne

Thought Experiment

I was in the car back home on CNY day 1 when I thought of this question to myself;

How much Angbao/Money is enough to buy my presence even though I am unneeded/unwanted/uncomfortable there?

My answer: $50 dollars, which I have more than that.

I did buy my "freedom" out before in one of those birthday parties, and I paid $40 dollars for the present. Inclusive of the money I spent on the outing which I used as an excuse for not going, that roughly about $50 dollars.

I just cringed.

Payback.

I don't know how many CNYs there will be from now onwards which I have real fun, and I doubt it will be much enough for me look forward to CNY. Even with the Hongbao money, the experience is just very boring and feeling very bored.

Rediscovery

In one of the conversations with my OG mate today,
I realised that even though I am strongly bothered about some stuff, I am still able to manage my thinking and emotions.
Previously, I think I would have flipped twice.

Leanne

Change

I think blogging may turn back into my tool to talk.

I was lucky to be able to chat with a lot of people when I was bored last year, but somehow this year I think it's going to be just me again.To be honest I missed the times which I was able to stay by myself and just be comfortable.  I guess I just need to feel wanted which is a so awkward trait considering I can get sick of being around people.

Suddenly dreamt of the times when I was young, the times which I was able to articulate my thoughts and dreams so well that I was as though pursuing an American dream. Even arguing and fighting with other people is so much easier with more words.But I think holding back anger and controlling myself is a good thing to do.

Stay foolish.

Leanne

February

I think I am going to revive Blogger for good.

I used to say that Jan and Feb are my worse months of the year, but I am glad it isn't so bad this year and there's only half a month of Feb to go.

Writing on tumlr is a great experience but sometimes I think over lengthly posts there is going to affect the overall succinct and mystery image there.

Better to go all the Hi's and Yoz' here. 

Sometimes I browse through the blog to see what I have been up to during the certain months many years back. I used to blog alot about tests. What happened that kind of stuff which seems so ordinary that I wonder if anyone will ever spend their time reading through stuff like that.

Only the future me I guess. Hi future me.

Recently I have been real busy with school, squeezing everything on Monday is abit stupid considering assignments is out so late. But o the other hand I get information earlier so no harm either. The bad part is I don't really see anyone at all, and I think I am getting kind of lonely. It would be great if there's someone to go home with and spend some time not using my phone. Even reading seems less interesting. Arh I bet my old me would be frowning if she sees this. Leanne not reading is a big problem.

I think I am sometimes not reading at all, being lazy. When did I start being lazy. Good question.

#thegoodolddays

I am not sure if this is a sign that I am back to blog more frequently because I still have my Tumblr to handle small outbursts of inspirations/depressions/happiness.

 Looking back, I think my life is just purely simple; going to school, going home, doing homework, handling mountains of books/readings/homework/tests and CCA. CCA was really the centre of my pride, believing that I am the best. The more dedicated, the one who cared to read manuals, go to parades to represent the school and even handle that stress (it was really very stressful).

 Somehow my diary has this entry which I would go "Am I really that angry to be so angry". I guess it was a sudden lesson to tell me that we don't always get what we deserve to get. The remaining student life was struggling with getting what I wanted and looking at the results. Sometimes I wondered to myself if all was worth it, being so utterly depressed; feeling so utterly useless. To be honest, every stage of my life I have been constant reminding myself that I have done the best I could, made the best decisions there was.

 I rarely regret. Because while I may forget that feeling of anguish, frustration and despair that I had, I would never forget that I am living with the results. Constantly. The people I met shaped my experiences, the good and the bad (more of the bad) such that I learnt to never expect much from others.

 Recently, more often I have been thinking I have been living with myself for too long. Afraid of people. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of that one moment which I will ultimately regret. That I rather lived normally than to fly.

 Leanne