End of years’ depression

I think this is one of the few times in the year that I feel like getting on a airplane and just escape. Escaping really seems like a good option considering how things are going at the moment.

Really feeling a little depressed. Something is bothering me, just that I don’t know what. That means I don’t know how to get rid of it too. Bad considering how things are going. I am losing the drive, the motivation, the ability to excel along with it. I was a proud student. Now, no more. Where’s my pride? gone the moment I didn’t hit my targets. I was becoming less perfectionist, supposed to make me more happy.

Now its hard to be happy. Happy for a moment by fun and laughter. Not happy long term by my achievements and direction. What do I want to be? Can I even be what I want to be? Will I ever be able to be what I want to be? That kind of feeling lingers. I am not anxious about the path, probably more upset about what things are feeling now. GREAT.

Leanne

Gallagher Girl

This is one of the few days I feel emotionally affected by what’s written in books. I have learnt, quite effectively, to partition of my emotions as though I am stuffing them into a locked closet. The closet rarely overflows, you know how much things we normally forget and forgives. Cammie in the book brought back all my emotions to play. She was confused; so I am in real life. She felt that she was unsafe to be around anyone; I felt that I am unfit to stick around with people I can’t. Hiding herself was the most easiest thing she has done in her life and also the most difficult when she was hurt. I feel that way too. I feel unsafe to be around people, even though I hide myself better around people. I no longer feel confident about what am I suppose to do. Am I happy? Will I be truly happy? So many questions unanswered and blocked from my mind until I get the right answers. I think sometimes its not able the right answers, it might be the right questions.

I sort of feel sad for Cammie, what she has been through is like she was no longer herself. In some way like a person being touched by a confessor, she is not herself anymore but still who she is. So what’s difference?

Leanne

如果，

我所希望的=我所得到的，

那么我会不会完全变一个人？

Speech day 2012

Love it! seriously, happy HAPPY to see everyone I think I don’t really have such a chance to meet everyone at such a large scale together though, maybe till Teachers Day . Looking really forward to see them before, but after all that war cheers and school cheers and school song, I really feel that I belonged somewhere. Even though half the time I don’t feel ownership when I was in Anderson…

Sad but happy

Leanne

Dealing with..everything

I don’t think anyone blogs anymore. Except for people who really are passionate about writing..

I am not that passionate about writing anymore. I think that’s because of my English grades. Even though grades doesn’t mean everything, it really means a lot to me. And I sort of lose my confidence after that.

Losing the drive is like losing everything; the will to move on, the will to even do my daily activities. I know I must toughen up, but I am not as tough as what many people may think. I think when I need help I don’t look like I need it at all. Eluding confidence? Perhaps I was eluding something else that others can’t see. I don’t even know when I am revealing my weaknesses, let alone scream help when I need it. Talking about that, I am not even sure I will get it if I scream for it. Calm? NO. Happy? NO. I really am a little freaked out because I don’t know what to do to get over it. Get over what? I also don’t know.

Perhaps that is the kind of things I have to face in order to get things right? Am I thinking too much? Or depressed. The line is no longer clear. Not even sure what I am doing is right or not? Am I on the right path in the first place? What I am I upset over? These are the questions that I think I have to answer before I am happy enough to move on. Which I thought I did.

Really hate this feeling.

Leanne

okay, i am back from holidays with a completely new drive, totally trying to cover up what i was feeling. Dealing with myself is never easy in the first place , coupled with so many things thrown at me, i wonder how i did deal with all.

HAHA its not that i never deal with this kind of things before..its just that every time its different. Methods that worked never seems to work again, and its like the ultimate challenge to find the right way before i do anything stupid.

Of course i regard myself to be a rather rational person, so i wonder under what circumstances will my emotions just cloud my judgement...

Dealing is rather irritating, because i never seem to find the root of the issue. Maybe if i expect less from myself i will survive, but i think it will just return to haunt me someday.

Going to just look the thought away and hope that i will never come across it again.

HOLS!

okay, I am so glad that boarding's finally over. No more late nights and sleep alone :)

But there are definitely a lot of things that I will miss; sleeping late, talking with friends, having a nice breakfast and feeling like I belonged somewhere. This is so important to me. Having spent the last few years doing things alone, tagging along when I feel like it, it feels like I am withdrawn from the crowd. Not many still ask me out during my free time anymore..

Starting anew in JC is like being reborn, having a fun and let's try attitude towards everything seems surprising easy, but I really don't know when will I go back into the boring me. Studying is still the top priority, but taking lesser and lesser place in my heart. I want to play, want to try new things, want to make new and more friends, want to have someone else to talk to too :)

I didn't realise the complexity of my feelings till I start realising that I have being over perfectionist on some things that should be fun...

HOLS. Going to enjoy it. While I can.

school

Its fun to be staying next to the school. Haha, just feeling a little down at the moment.

February

I can't believe its my 310th post.
I think i probably wrote a lot of funny stuff when i first started this blog, like News, Figure skating and some other stupid stuff. I guess this blog really grows with me although its on the verge on dying. HEHE, imagine all the electronic trash floating around in cyber space after i move on...

JC's fun. Independent learning is something i have already mastered being along but i guess i still need someone who is better than me to HELP me, especially in Maths. Even though i have a rational mind, i somehow think that Maths is irrational....

Leanne

I am back

I can't believe it's so long since i handled all the O'levels stuff. Looking back, it feels really okay to be studying for such a long time. Not that i don't miss NPCC, but there's really not much to be missed. Glad Mr Koh has decided not to psycho me to be a CI, i think Marcus will do a enough job for us even though he's not our batch. LOL>

Last time i tried to blog, the laptop shutted me out. Hopefully today i can post something...

Spent the last of my long break watching all the korean dramas that i couldn't before. Feels really weird to have a non-academic target for such a long time. It's fun to be doing this after a really really stressful year together with Anderson.

However, i still didn't manage to learn Violin after 2 long years...Maybe next time.

Leanne