Reading

I realised it has been awhile since I read something nice.
Something that will make me realise that the world is not what I think it is,
something that is able to convince me that the world is better than I think it it,
something that will tell me that my life is not alone.

Sometimes we may be surrounded by people, but feeling more alone.
We remain more connected via the internet, but we feel more isolated that ever.
When was the last time I made a long phone call using the phone?
Longer than ever.

When was the last time I actually sat down and made a meaningful conversation with someone I trust?
Longer than ever.

Who do I trust?
Who can I trust?
No one.

Sometimes in the moment of weakness, I always wait for that person who can realise my moments and console me, instead of finding someone like I always did. Or didn't.
I have greater weaknesses because of my strengths.

Leanne

Thought Experiment

I was in the car back home on CNY day 1 when I thought of this question to myself;

How much Angbao/Money is enough to buy my presence even though I am unneeded/unwanted/uncomfortable there?

My answer: $50 dollars, which I have more than that.

I did buy my "freedom" out before in one of those birthday parties, and I paid $40 dollars for the present. Inclusive of the money I spent on the outing which I used as an excuse for not going, that roughly about $50 dollars.

I just cringed.

Payback.

I don't know how many CNYs there will be from now onwards which I have real fun, and I doubt it will be much enough for me look forward to CNY. Even with the Hongbao money, the experience is just very boring and feeling very bored.

Rediscovery

In one of the conversations with my OG mate today,
I realised that even though I am strongly bothered about some stuff, I am still able to manage my thinking and emotions.
Previously, I think I would have flipped twice.

Leanne

Change

I think blogging may turn back into my tool to talk.

I was lucky to be able to chat with a lot of people when I was bored last year, but somehow this year I think it's going to be just me again.To be honest I missed the times which I was able to stay by myself and just be comfortable.  I guess I just need to feel wanted which is a so awkward trait considering I can get sick of being around people.

Suddenly dreamt of the times when I was young, the times which I was able to articulate my thoughts and dreams so well that I was as though pursuing an American dream. Even arguing and fighting with other people is so much easier with more words.But I think holding back anger and controlling myself is a good thing to do.

Stay foolish.

Leanne

February

I think I am going to revive Blogger for good.

I used to say that Jan and Feb are my worse months of the year, but I am glad it isn't so bad this year and there's only half a month of Feb to go.

Writing on tumlr is a great experience but sometimes I think over lengthly posts there is going to affect the overall succinct and mystery image there.

Better to go all the Hi's and Yoz' here. 

Sometimes I browse through the blog to see what I have been up to during the certain months many years back. I used to blog alot about tests. What happened that kind of stuff which seems so ordinary that I wonder if anyone will ever spend their time reading through stuff like that.

Only the future me I guess. Hi future me.

Recently I have been real busy with school, squeezing everything on Monday is abit stupid considering assignments is out so late. But o the other hand I get information earlier so no harm either. The bad part is I don't really see anyone at all, and I think I am getting kind of lonely. It would be great if there's someone to go home with and spend some time not using my phone. Even reading seems less interesting. Arh I bet my old me would be frowning if she sees this. Leanne not reading is a big problem.

I think I am sometimes not reading at all, being lazy. When did I start being lazy. Good question.