Looking back

I think one of the most things that I pride myself over is that I never look back and say "I wish I did something different".

Almost never.

There are always moments which I refuse to move on, my mind circles back to those moments, even in my dreams. My body screams of pain and fatigue to remind me of the kind of mental tiredness I have. My mind can't let go, and that took a toll on my body. 

I always wished that life is not a recurring tale. It is one thing to move on and another thing to face it again. But there are always moments which I face repeatedly the same pressures, the same challenges, the same mindsets. I am who I am and I can't change the way I think regardless of whatever that happens. 

I am not a pressure cooker, I can't handle so much things going on, to smile at others so that I can lie to myself that I can do this. 

Who says smiling means I am happy.