#thegoodolddays

I am not sure if this is a sign that I am back to blog more frequently because I still have my Tumblr to handle small outbursts of inspirations/depressions/happiness.

 Looking back, I think my life is just purely simple; going to school, going home, doing homework, handling mountains of books/readings/homework/tests and CCA. CCA was really the centre of my pride, believing that I am the best. The more dedicated, the one who cared to read manuals, go to parades to represent the school and even handle that stress (it was really very stressful).

 Somehow my diary has this entry which I would go "Am I really that angry to be so angry". I guess it was a sudden lesson to tell me that we don't always get what we deserve to get. The remaining student life was struggling with getting what I wanted and looking at the results. Sometimes I wondered to myself if all was worth it, being so utterly depressed; feeling so utterly useless. To be honest, every stage of my life I have been constant reminding myself that I have done the best I could, made the best decisions there was.

 I rarely regret. Because while I may forget that feeling of anguish, frustration and despair that I had, I would never forget that I am living with the results. Constantly. The people I met shaped my experiences, the good and the bad (more of the bad) such that I learnt to never expect much from others.

 Recently, more often I have been thinking I have been living with myself for too long. Afraid of people. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of that one moment which I will ultimately regret. That I rather lived normally than to fly.

 Leanne

End of years’ depression

I think this is one of the few times in the year that I feel like getting on a airplane and just escape. Escaping really seems like a good option considering how things are going at the moment.

Really feeling a little depressed. Something is bothering me, just that I don’t know what. That means I don’t know how to get rid of it too. Bad considering how things are going. I am losing the drive, the motivation, the ability to excel along with it. I was a proud student. Now, no more. Where’s my pride? gone the moment I didn’t hit my targets. I was becoming less perfectionist, supposed to make me more happy.

Now its hard to be happy. Happy for a moment by fun and laughter. Not happy long term by my achievements and direction. What do I want to be? Can I even be what I want to be? Will I ever be able to be what I want to be? That kind of feeling lingers. I am not anxious about the path, probably more upset about what things are feeling now. GREAT.

Leanne

Gallagher Girl

This is one of the few days I feel emotionally affected by what’s written in books. I have learnt, quite effectively, to partition of my emotions as though I am stuffing them into a locked closet. The closet rarely overflows, you know how much things we normally forget and forgives. Cammie in the book brought back all my emotions to play. She was confused; so I am in real life. She felt that she was unsafe to be around anyone; I felt that I am unfit to stick around with people I can’t. Hiding herself was the most easiest thing she has done in her life and also the most difficult when she was hurt. I feel that way too. I feel unsafe to be around people, even though I hide myself better around people. I no longer feel confident about what am I suppose to do. Am I happy? Will I be truly happy? So many questions unanswered and blocked from my mind until I get the right answers. I think sometimes its not able the right answers, it might be the right questions.

I sort of feel sad for Cammie, what she has been through is like she was no longer herself. In some way like a person being touched by a confessor, she is not herself anymore but still who she is. So what’s difference?

Leanne

如果，

我所希望的=我所得到的，

那么我会不会完全变一个人？

Speech day 2012

Love it! seriously, happy HAPPY to see everyone I think I don’t really have such a chance to meet everyone at such a large scale together though, maybe till Teachers Day . Looking really forward to see them before, but after all that war cheers and school cheers and school song, I really feel that I belonged somewhere. Even though half the time I don’t feel ownership when I was in Anderson…

Sad but happy

Leanne

Dealing with..everything

I don’t think anyone blogs anymore. Except for people who really are passionate about writing..

I am not that passionate about writing anymore. I think that’s because of my English grades. Even though grades doesn’t mean everything, it really means a lot to me. And I sort of lose my confidence after that.

Losing the drive is like losing everything; the will to move on, the will to even do my daily activities. I know I must toughen up, but I am not as tough as what many people may think. I think when I need help I don’t look like I need it at all. Eluding confidence? Perhaps I was eluding something else that others can’t see. I don’t even know when I am revealing my weaknesses, let alone scream help when I need it. Talking about that, I am not even sure I will get it if I scream for it. Calm? NO. Happy? NO. I really am a little freaked out because I don’t know what to do to get over it. Get over what? I also don’t know.

Perhaps that is the kind of things I have to face in order to get things right? Am I thinking too much? Or depressed. The line is no longer clear. Not even sure what I am doing is right or not? Am I on the right path in the first place? What I am I upset over? These are the questions that I think I have to answer before I am happy enough to move on. Which I thought I did.

Really hate this feeling.

Leanne

okay, i am back from holidays with a completely new drive, totally trying to cover up what i was feeling. Dealing with myself is never easy in the first place , coupled with so many things thrown at me, i wonder how i did deal with all.

HAHA its not that i never deal with this kind of things before..its just that every time its different. Methods that worked never seems to work again, and its like the ultimate challenge to find the right way before i do anything stupid.

Of course i regard myself to be a rather rational person, so i wonder under what circumstances will my emotions just cloud my judgement...

Dealing is rather irritating, because i never seem to find the root of the issue. Maybe if i expect less from myself i will survive, but i think it will just return to haunt me someday.

Going to just look the thought away and hope that i will never come across it again.