Looking back

Every time I look at this blog I feel
"Urgh" by the lack of grammar and whatsoever.
I remembered I used a special app to do that and the app doesn't capitalise the I hahaha.

Quite annoying.
It is now week 10 of Year 2 Sem 2.
I managed to kept my cool till week 9 until feelings all flooded back.
I think I always mix up suppressing my feelings with getting over it.
If I get over it too fast then I am suppressing them?

I guess so.

Year 2

Week 2 of Year 2.

The feeling is.....a mixture of boredom, tiredness and sadness.

I feel more acutely that most people in my life are destined to pass, and while I accept that it is a parcel of life, it feels sad when I look back.

One year and it seems that everything that can change has changed. The company that I keep, the life I live and the emphasis that I have.

Closing to one month before Year 2 starts. These two months have passed by in a blur, waking up for work every weekday, sleeping and struggling with sleep almost every other week, going out to meet people but never gotten around to clearing things at home, letting my mailbox pile up time and time again. Am I alive? I don't know. But if if I let time slow my mental torture will be 100 times worse, and my body will never be tired enough to slow my mind. So that's how I will remain coping with the rest of this summer.

I feel like my mind is pushing me, as I have been pushing my mind. When will this mental turmoil ever stop.

With so much NUS confessions on romance, I suddenly recalled the few moments which I felt touched, or fluttered by the opposite sex.

Feeling touched was so good, except for the fact that overall behaviour was damn bad.

oh wellz.

Looking back

I think one of the most things that I pride myself over is that I never look back and say "I wish I did something different".

Almost never.

There are always moments which I refuse to move on, my mind circles back to those moments, even in my dreams. My body screams of pain and fatigue to remind me of the kind of mental tiredness I have. My mind can't let go, and that took a toll on my body. 

I always wished that life is not a recurring tale. It is one thing to move on and another thing to face it again. But there are always moments which I face repeatedly the same pressures, the same challenges, the same mindsets. I am who I am and I can't change the way I think regardless of whatever that happens. 

I am not a pressure cooker, I can't handle so much things going on, to smile at others so that I can lie to myself that I can do this. 

Who says smiling means I am happy. 

I wished the world can shut up.

Shut up even when I am laughing,  because I am already upset and covering up by laughing to keep myself alive.

Shut up because you are not helping things

Shup because any further I might burst out in tears and auguish

Shut up because I am controlling myself as we speak

Shut up even though I might understand you but you never did understood me.

Just shut up.